My 14-year-old daughter and her friends text each other constantly. Even when they’re all gathered together in the food court at the mall their skinny fingers are blurs upon their touchpads. The dispatches are going nowhere but to the iPhones on the other side of the Coke cups and the pizza crusts, and they spend much more time texting than reading the texts they receive. This is not because typing takes longer than reading, which I’m not sure it does for the digital generation. The girls already know the message, the message being “I’m texting.”

Facebook works the same way. “Everybody has a Facebook page,” my daughter insisted, so we let her have one. When not texting she is on Facebook. But it’s always her own Facebook page she’s looking at. “Why,” I ask, “aren’t you looking at everybody’s Facebook page?”

“Huh?” she says. And “Huh?” is — except for the declarative sentence quoted above — pretty much all she’s had to say to me since she ceased being 12. I could continue making fun of teens in the customary fashion, but it so happens I think “Huh?” is a deeply insightful comment on modern discourse.

All our technological advances seem to be employed in taking the “co-“ out of “communication.” We’ve invented a thousand ways to speak to each other and are using them to talk to ourselves. Having arrived at an age when I actually do talk to myself — driving my family crazy muttering I’m-making-a-sandwich-now, Time-to-rotate-the-tires-on-the-Chevy-soon, Why’d-I-go-down-the-basement? — I can’t fault my daughter for doing the same with greater tech savvy.

We can’t know what was going on in the little monkey brains of Australopithecus, but surely the original motive for making ourselves understood to others had to do with those others, not just the self. If not, we could have stepped outside our cave alone and addressed the whole world with random grunts. Which is a pretty good description of most blogs.

The psychological motivation behind personal blogs is easy to understand. What’s incomprehensible is why anybody would look at them. I suspect nobody does. A careful analysis of blogs lacking commercial or organizational purpose probably would reveal that all blog hits come from other bloggers looking for something to plagiarize plus the bloggers’ mothers checking to see if they’re still on their meds.

Facebook is different from giving a speech to the ether: it’s putting a billboard there. A Facebook page is a promotional conundrum, advertising something we all claim to believe can’t be bought or sold. (Excepting those who want to be “friended” for the purpose of an age-old commerce and should go on Craigslist.) If it’s our pals who respond to our ad we acquire what we already have. We’re customers at our own yard sale.

And Twitter is an on-line version of walking around in the park with nothing on under your raincoat except the cut-off ends of your trouser legs fastened with elastic around your knees.

There was once something called social intercourse, the mutual exchange of information, concepts, theories — an expansion of intelligence and understanding. I’m not finding that e-mail broadens the intellect much, or improves the tone of parlance either. What happened to the formal salutation and the complimentary close? My dear Mr. O’Rourke, I remain very sincerely yours. This has been transformed into “hi!” and “-me.” E-mail is as abrupt as a note tied to a rock and thrown through the front window. Although this, at least, is mail that announces its arrival with the exciting tinkle of broken glass.

Not that e-mail really is mail of any kind. It’s more akin to a slap on the back or a wave from a passing vehicle or a tug on a sleeve. E-mails do not inspire a response, they nag for a “reply.” E-mailers are in such a hurry that even moving a pinkie to the shift key to capitalize is too time-consuming. The form is so affectless that, to indicate whether the sender is kidding or sorry or whatever, things called “emoticons” must be used. These keyboard symbols make your inbox look like a speech balloon from a novice newspaper cartoonist who hasn’t yet learned how to %|&@#$! swear :(

Very little of what takes place on e-mail can be called conversation. And the telephone doesn’t ring anymore, which is an absurdity since these days everyone has a telephone all the time everywhere. It’s being used to leave voice mail messages: “Hi! Me. I’ll text you.”

In fairness, the Romney campaign people do phone most evenings around cocktail hour, just when I’m ready to chew the fat about health insurance mandates. But they turn out to be recorded. My daughter’s “Huh?” is more of a response than I get from robo-calls.

Like making fun of teens, Luddite rants can go on forever. But, in fact, technology didn’t cause the incommunicado trend. We’re just using technology to help us say, “Will everyone please shut up. I can’t hear myself shouting.”

This is a natural human tendency. The first thing a baby does at birth is shriek. He doesn’t even know if anyone else exists and he’s flaming in the chat room of life.

Supposedly there was once a greater give and take in discussion. According to the Old Testament, even God used to show up now and then to shoot the breeze. Although, to be frank, He isn’t portrayed as a great listener.

Then there are Plato’s famous Dialogues showing wise Socrates using his Socratic method, asking questions instead of making pronouncements. Socrates, however, does most of the answering himself. In the dialogue with Phaedrus, here’s a sample of Phaedrus’s side of the conversation:


“Very true.”

“No doubt.”

It’s as if a Democratic Party pollster had gotten to him with leading questions about income inequality.

Before amplification, entertainers had to be personable with those they meant to entertain. All performances are interactive when the performer is within fruit and brickbat range. I’m sure Homer quickly gave in to calls for a lyre solo during dull parts of the Iliad.

This is probably why literacy was invented. The written word is a great way for authors to escape from audiences. It makes sure that, while writers are telling everybody what’s what, readers are off in an armchair or living a couple of dozen centuries in the future.

Think of the royal minstrels, court jesters and Shakespearean actors who, at any moment, could have their heads cut off by grumpy kings, doublets rapiered by testy courtiers or Globe Theater thatch roof set on fire by irked drama critics. No wonder they were all so eager to retreat behind motion picture cameras, radio microphones and the security guards at television studios.

The idea that communication goes in only one direction means an uncommunicative culture. We saw it first with the highbrows and their modern poetry, abstract painting and atonal music. What was this stuff supposed to mean to the public? The highbrows didn’t give a damn. Then the cultural journeymen, the fetchers of punch lines and carriers of plot points in the creative world, quit giving a damn too. Will somebody please tell me, what’s the point of reality TV?

On one cable channel there’s a fellow called Billy the Exterminator. He dresses funny and kills mice. I can do that at home. I do do that at home. Why is it on television?

The contestant shows — “American Idol,” “X Factor,” “Danc-ing with the Stars,” devote most of their airtime to people with vocal cords made of shoelaces or with two left shoes. What information, concept or theory is being conveyed?

The tenets of popular culture run downhill to politics. The Democratic president seems to feel it’s beneath his dignity to have a conversation with the American people about his big ideas. The Republican presidential candidates seem to feel it’s beneath their dignity to possess any ideas worth having a conversation about. Except for Newt Gingrich who has so many ideas his head explodes. And that’s a conversation stopper.

Political protest movements have followed course. Occupy Wall Street is completely incoherent on purpose and proud of it.

I have a rough idea of what the end of conversation means for society. Forty years ago teenage boys of my generation came up with a form of non-communication that predicted the future of art, popular culture, politics and Internet content. Mooning. We’d drive around in search of respectable, well-behaved, reasonable-looking people, and when we found them we’d pull down our pants and stick our bare behinds out the car windows. Now everybody’s doing it.


P.J. O’Rourke is a political satirist, humorist and author of many books including “Don’t Vote, It Just Encourages the Bastards,” “Eat the Rich” and “Parliament of Whores.” He was foreign editor of Rolling Stone magazine and is a regular contributor to The Atlantic Monthly.

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