Won't You Be My (Work) Friend?

Promotion Puzzle 2024

NOTE: While this transcript has been reviewed, it may contain errors. Please review the episode audio before quoting from this transcript.

Jill Wiltfong:

Only two in 10 workers claim to have a best friend in the office. What's changed?

Arianne Cohen:

A lot of it really is just people being in proximity to each other and then having time.

Jill Wiltfong:

Is there concern that our growing interactions with technology are actually hampering your ability to make real human friends?

Anya Weaver:

You need a person to advocate for you. Make a plan to expand your network.

[Rick]:

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

[Nick]:

Hey, I'm Nick. Just started working in this department.

[Anthony]:

Hi Nick, I'm Anthony. You catch the match yesterday?

[Nick]:

Yeah, it was close, but glad United pulled it off in the end.

[Anthony]:

Ah, you're a Man United fan.

[Nick]:

Oh, you are a City fan.

[Anthony]:

You know, I just realized I'm late for a meeting, I got to go.

[Anthony]:

Hey guys, since there's nobody to manage the data transfer this weekend, we'll probably all take a hit financially, but there's probably nothing that can be done. Sorry for the rough news.

[Nick]:

I can do it. I'm free this weekend and I just finished learning all the transfer protocols.

[Anthony]:

Really? That's fantastic. Nick, right?

[Nick]:

Well I'm off going to a special screening of "Lord of the Rings."

[Anthony]:

What? That's my favorite trilogy of all time.

[Nick]:

Mine too. One ring to rule them all.

[Anthony]:

One ring to find them.

[Both]:

One ring to bring them all in and in the darkness bind them.

Jill Wiltfong:

Hi, this is Jill Wiltfong, Chief Marketing Officer for Korn Ferry and this is Briefings, our deep dive into leadership. People were once dying to get into the friend zone at work. I'm sure many of our listeners, many of you and viewers have found friends for life from work, but today only two in 10 workers claim to have a best friend in the office and it's a number that keeps falling. Things have gotten so bad, the US Surgeon General recently declared a loneliness epidemic, but ask any corporate leader and they'll tell you they're disturbed as well. After all work, friendships help drive a company culture, which data shows can be responsible for up to one third of a firm's market value. So how did we lose all of our friends? Did the pandemic destroy our ability to connect or is something else at work here? And can leaders help them find a way back from this trend toward the antisocial? It all makes you want to ask, won't you be my quote, "work friend"?

Joining us today is author and former Bloomberg writer, Arianne Cohen. She wrote a fascinating piece for Korn Ferry's Briefings magazine that showed some vivid examples of people struggling out there to find a work bestie.

Arianne, it's really good to have you here.

Arianne Cohen:

I'm so happy to talk, work friendship. It's one of my favorite topics.

Jill Wiltfong:

I love it. So, tell me, you say in your story that experts make a distinction between really a best friend at work and work best friends. Can you explain that a little bit?

Arianne Cohen:

Absolutely, yeah. So, a best friend is somebody that you trust, somebody that provides support, somebody who you might tell some of your inner secrets to and really show your real self to and a work best friend is really kind of your best option of the people on your team, right? It doesn't mean you're necessarily that close, it's just like of the people here, this is the one that I choose to talk to.

Jill Wiltfong:

And you need the former, not the latter. You also do give us some really vivid details on how the workplace was once this hotbed for friendship, dating all the way back to the 19th century when firms designed factories and corporate communities that created on purpose these lifelong bonds. Can you describe that a little bit?

Arianne Cohen:

Yeah, this concept is not new. Corporate leaders really were quite aware of this in the mid-19th century, especially in Britain. Big companies like Unilever, Cadbury, Mars, companies that are still around today, they built, not just factories, but also facilities that were really aimed at encouraging friendships. So, there were community centers, there were dance halls, there were places where people would hang out outside of work and companies have really gotten away, gotten away from doing that, largely because of real estate pressures.

Jill Wiltfong:

Talk about, if you will, like what happened to friendships? Is there any research that kind of talks about what's changed? What makes it so difficult to form really authentic friendships today?

Arianne Cohen:

The thing that you need to make friends is time and close friendships, research shows it takes about 200 hours to become close friends and that's like a lot of hours. That's days and days and days to become close and you know, people are working remotely or when they are in the office, they're staring at their screen, typing away and it just is really hard to kind of get those kind of hours in today's society.

[Worker]:

I got an offer to work at a well-known cybersecurity company. I was warmly welcomed by all, but one colleague. She had started in the same position I did. So why didn't she like me? She feared I was going to try and take over her position. She was curt and aloof towards me, and I thought it'd be the end of my career at the company, until one day when I confronted her, and we clarified each of our intentions. That turned out to be the start of an amazing friendship. Today, Sarah's one of the most thoughtful people I know.

Jill Wiltfong:

That's a reading of an excerpt from your article, featuring a story of workplace friendship that started in the most unlikely of circumstances.

Arianne, your vignette of how friendships develop in the workplace shows really just how random and touching they can be, but they also take time to form as we've talked about. So, you mentioned this 200 hours to form a deep friendship. You even came up with a really funny chart called the stages of workplace friendship. Can you take us through some of those peak stages of friendship that you talk about?

Arianne Cohen:

Around 50 hours, as we talked about, you become casual friends. Around 75 hours, you start making that first date and then both sides cancel repeatedly. So, you don't actually like get there until around hours 90 or 100 and then around that time, other people will start noticing that you're really close at work and they'll start doing things like referring to you and your friend as work wives and then suddenly your friendship takes on a life of its own and it begins to gain its own speed.

Jill Wiltfong:

You also report on this concept known as neural homophily. Sounds fancy, but what does it have to do with making friends at work?

Arianne Cohen:

Yeah, so this should be, this should bring a sigh of relief to managers when they're hiring and they're thinking, well, you know, this person is the most qualified, but I want to make sure that they gel with my team. So, it turns out that what makes friendship, it doesn't matter if people have the same age or gender or ethnicity or any of those things. Though those factors do help, there was a really interesting study in the journal nature last year that found that the people who had the same neural reactions, they did FMRIs to people's brains while they were watching movies, and they found that people who had similar neural reactions to movies, were also the closest friends. So, what that tells us is that people who are responding similarly to stimulus around them are more likely to be friends.

[Simon]:

An introvert loses energy from social interaction. An extrovert gains energy from social interaction. So, an introvert wakes up in the morning with five coins. Every social interaction, they spend a coin, at the end, they are depleted. An extrovert wakes up with no coins, every social interaction, they get a coin, and by the end they feel rich. Like going to a party, they give versus going to a party sucks your energy.

Jill Wiltfong:

That's leadership expert, Simon Sinek painting a very clear picture of what makes an introvert versus an extrovert.

Arianne, you found that roughly one in three workers is actually an introvert and it can be challenging, right? For leaders to know how to cater to that. Do you have thoughts on, maybe what they're doing wrong there?

Arianne Cohen:

Yes, I am a card-carrying introvert. I've been waiting for my whole life for somebody to ask me this question. The thing that managers can do better, the trick with introverts, is you just have to kind of have events where there's open invitations. So, you know, maybe it's a, you know, team birthday party once a month or a bowling event and the introverts won't always attend, but they will sometimes when they feel like it, when they're happy.

Even your most introverted, you know, computer coders sitting in the corner will eventually come over to have some cake at that birthday party. It's the forced interacting and the forced socializing that introverts tend to find draining if they've already done a lot of that, that day.

Jill Wiltfong:

Thanks Arianne. Who knew there could be such a wide field of knowledge on friends? So, we've talked about fostering friendships from the company side, but what could individuals do to boost their chances of finding a compadre at the office, plus the elephant in the room, making friends as a remote worker? We'll discuss after the break.

Rupak Bhattacharya:

Hi, and welcome to the break. I'm Rupak Bhattacharya and here's a quick look at what else is happening in business from Korn Ferry's "This Week In Leadership."

[Narrator]:

You have a performance review coming up,

Rupak Bhattacharya:

28% more employee reviews were done in January 2024 than in January 2023, and the average number of performance reviews is increasing by 15% annually. Many leaders say that's happening because widespread hybrid work arrangements are making reviews more necessary.

[Narrator]:

More and more products have been coming up for recall.

Rupak Bhattacharya:

Last year was a record year for consumer product recalls in the United States, featuring a 10% jump from a year earlier. Experts say the new supply chains remodeled during the pandemic may be causing quality control issues.

[Narrator]:

This is a different type of retirement called phased retirement.

Rupak Bhattacharya:

The idea of retiring and stopping work altogether is losing favor. According to one study, two thirds of people across all four generations are hoping for a phased retirement, where they gradually reduce hours and responsibilities.

For more insights on business and leadership, head to kornferry.com/insights. Now, back to Jill in our episode, Won't You Be My Work friend?

[Louis – “Casablanca” movie]:

It might be a good idea for you to disappear from Casablanca for a while. There's a free French garrison, over at Brazzaville. I could be induced to arrange a passage.

[Rick – “Casablanca” movie]:

My letter of transit, I could use a trip. It doesn't make any difference about our bet. You still owe me 10,000 Francs.

[Louis – “Casablanca” movie]:

And that 10,000 francs should pay our expenses.

[Rick – “Casablanca” movie]:

Our expenses? Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Jill Wiltfong:

With us now is Anya Weaver, a Korn Ferry Professional Development Consultant. Anya, thanks for coming on.

Anya Weaver:

Thank you for having me, Jill.

Jill Wiltfong:

That last clip featured Humphrey Bogart delivering his famous line on friendship in the iconic movie, "Casablanca." Anya, we spent some time earlier in this episode talking about what firms can do to facilitate friendships, but you've written about four strategies individuals can use to help themselves. Can you briefly walk us through those four strategies?

Anya Weaver:

The first one is being intentional. Make a plan to expand your network and plan too, to be friendly, don't plan to be liked. It makes me think of the quote by Dr. Maya Angelou. You know, I've learned that "People may forget what you said or what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." The other is being receptive. Our differences don't have to be a wall that divides us. If we get curious, that curiosity can build a bridge that connects us when we are receptive and then be bold, you know, be courageous. You know, we must be willing to step outside of our comfort zone to build those meaningful connections with our coworkers and lastly, be open. Being willing to be vulnerable and share your story with others gives them the freedom to do the same.

Jill Wiltfong:

Fully remote workers are a little bit different here. They report 33% fewer friends at work, which makes sense given their work environment. How do they need to approach making friends a little bit differently?

Anya Weaver:

This goes back to that first best practice, Jill, you know about being intentional. You make space on your calendar to do it. Getting strategic about it. Maybe it looks like making a goal that you'll meet one new person per week.

[Narrator]:

Mr. Theodore Twombly, welcome to the world's first artificially intelligent operating system.

[AI]:

Hello, I'm here.

[Theodore Twombly – “Her” movie]:

Oh, hi.

[AI]:

Hi. How you doing?

[Theodore Twombly – “Her” movie]:

(scoffs) I'm well. How's everything with you?

[AI]:

Pretty good actually. It's really nice to meet you.

[Theodore Twombly – “Her” movie]:

Yeah, it's nice to meet you too.

Jill Wiltfong:

That's Oscar winner, Joaquin Phoenix, befriending an AI bot in the movie "Her," but human AI interactions aren't the sci-fi of tomorrow. it's here. A new study shows almost half of Gen Z currently say they receive better career advice from AI than they do from their human managers. Anya, a computer, I am sure cannot be a friend quite like a human. Is there concern that our growing interactions with technology are actually hampering our ability to make real human friends?

Anya Weaver:

You have to consider will AI or a person be in a room or rooms that you're not in. You need a person to advocate for you in those rooms that you're not in to say your name. You need a person, and a person is involved in getting you stretch assignments, promotions, increases, bottom line is relationships matter and AI is not a person.

Jill Wiltfong:

I want to spend a moment on inclusivity, since you also work in that space. People from underrepresented backgrounds may feel an extra challenge to reach out and make friends in a work environment. Do you have some specific advice for them?

Anya Weaver:

Know who you are. You know, first be really clear about your identity. You know, when you're comfortable in your own skin, when you understand the value contribution that you bring and the value of your unique voice, you can step in any room or space, because you know you're needed, you are inevitable.

Jill Wiltfong:

Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate your time today.

Anya Weaver:

Thank you, Jill, for having me.

Jill Wiltfong:

The Executive Producer of "Briefings" is Jonathan Dahl. Today's episode was produced by Rupak Bhattacharya, Nadira Putri, and Teresa Allan, and edited by Jaron Henrie-McCrea. It contains reporting by Russell Pearlman, Arianne Cohen, and Peter Lauria.

Our video segment contains original artwork by Frazer Milton, Hayley Kennell, Jonathan Pink, and Sasha Kostyuk.

Don't forget to read our magazine, available at newsstands and at kornferry.com/briefings. That's it for Korn Ferry's "Briefings". I'm Jill Wiltfong. We'll see you next time.

Oh, shoot. I completely botched this. Sorry, you guys. We wanted to discuss this after the break.

Arianne Cohen:

I'm glad we're doing this again, I was following that, and I was like, where are we going here?

Jill Wiltfong:

Where is she going?